The end of all things to come

8.20 am, phone is ringing, terrifying me out of sleep and out of bed. i'm rushing to my trousers, picking the phone. it's my boss, telling me, that i have locked the office with the key to it inside -_-
why the hell didn't he call me yesterday, my made couldn't have worked without having the key to the office... nevermind, i get dressed and go to work by car bringing the key to my fellow worker, so he can start working only one and a half our to late, standing outside and waiting for me... i already can hear my boss blaming me and i really can't wait to go to work today... just another manic monday...

expected the worst, and got the best, my boss was not at work. i mean usually he never works, instead he sits in his office playing the big coce-nose boss. so this day wasn't as terrible as i expected it to be. i still didn't got the 200 they owe me, thinking i was asking for it last month. but i wasn't and so i did not get it. If i would have got it, i would have signed for it, but i really can't remember doing this. Nevertheless, every day without this son of a bitch is kind of a good day.
This night was very... beautiful. Going home i was plagued by all of our problems, but seeing me in the endlessness of universe reminded me that all of our problems are nothing compared to the really counting big thing. Existance. This is a really hard time for us. I got to work six days the week to pay all our bills. At the end of the month there are maybe 100 € remaining. But when i think of the insurance of our car... it's not enough. We already owe but this is not seldom today. I don't know how to solve this. Not now, maybe i never will. A few years ago i expected it all to be different. But that's life. The difference. I didn't choose the easy way, i chose the right way to my opinion. But right sometimes turns out to be wrong afterwards. I can't say if i do the right thing or the wrong. I can say i am fighting, for me and my girlfriend, for my best friend, for my family. For something i hope to see before the end has come. This is the beginning of all things to end. I'm looking forward to break out.


I didn't get it yet. What's this privilege of being able to self-reflect... to see them fucking you day after day. To see life fucking you day after day. I never believed in fate, i never believed in anything than consciousness. Is it all just cause and effect? Is there nothing above us, above consciousness, above logic, above calculation and fact? What's the reason for me still being here? Only instinct of self-preservation? Only biology? Is every emotion, every feeling just a chemical reaction? Why the fuck am i not going? I can. As the only known being i can decide to die. To end. I am convinced it's not just self-preservation. It's curiousity... it's fucking determined